Song of Solomon 8:8-9 “8 We have a little sister, and she hath no breasts: what shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for? 9 If she be a wall, we will build upon her a palace of silver: and if she be a door, we will inclose her with boards of cedar.”
Who Should a Christian Date?
- Date Someone Who is a BELIEVER
God has commanded us not to be “unequally yoked together with unbelievers” (2 Corinthians 6:14-18). Marriage is the strongest yoke in the world, and because dating leads up to matrimony, we are allowed to date and marry “only in the Lord” (1 Corinthians 7:39)––meaning that both persons ought to be “in Christ” (e.g., Romans 8:1; 1 Corinthians 1:30). If a Christian man leads about a wife, she should be a “sister” (1 Corinthians 9:5); the inspired author of the Song of Solomon calls his wife, “my sister, my spouse” (Song of Solomon 4:9, 10, 12).
Because it is a sin against God to make marriages with those that worship a different god (Deuteronomy 7:1-3; see also 2 Corinthians 11:2-4), it is also a sin against God to become romantically involved with them, as Samson did with Delilah (Judges 16:4-20), or as Esau did with the Hittite women (Genesis 26:34-35). The Lord commanded against taking “strange wives” because, in the Old Testament, women foreign to the nation of Israel were pagan, and not of the same faith as them.
The negative effects of marrying an unbeliever can be seen in both the strained relationship between the husband and the wife, and also in the resulting sinfulness of their children (Nehemiah 13:23-27). When the children of the lineage of Seth married wives of the lineage of Cain, the result was that “the wickedness of man was great in the earth” (see Genesis 6:1-5). Although it is possible for a person to get saved after marriage because of a godly spouse (1 Peter 3:1-2; 1 Corinthians 7:14), you do not have certainty of the ability to change your spouse after marriage (1 Corinthians 7:16), and most people who were united with heathen in inter-faith marriages were turned away from God because of it: for example, Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-2), and the children of Israel (Ezra 10; Nehemiah 13).
- Date Someone Who is a FAITHFUL CHRISTIAN
Men Should Date a Woman Who Can Follow, Serve, and Love
A FOLLOWER: A Christian man should be dating to find a woman who will follow them, and who will not try to rule over them. Jesus’ bride, the church, is supposed to be subject unto Christ in all things (Ephesians 5:22-24). Disciples of Jesus are followers of Jesus (Matthew 4:19; 8:22; 9:9; 16:24; 19:21; John 1:43), and do not give him commands.
God does not want women to usurp authority over men in any way (1 Corinthians 11:3): in the church (1 Timothy 2:12; Revelation 2:20-23), in government (Isaiah 3:12; Nahum 3:13; see bad example of Athaliah: 2 Kings 11; see good example of Deborah: Judges 4:4-9), or in the house. God made Eve after Adam (1 Timothy 2:13; cf. Genesis 2:18-23), because she was supposed to obey him, and not to bear rule over him (see Genesis 3:16). The man is supposed to “lead about” his wife (1 Corinthians 9:5). Abraham sent his servant to procure a wife for Isaac who would be “willing to follow” him (Genesis 24:5, 8). In marriage, the wife would take a name of the husband, because he is her leader (Genesis 5:2).
A godly man should therefore look for a woman with a meek and quiet spirit (1 Peter 3:1-6) who will submit themselves unto them (Colossians 3:18), and reverence them (Ephesians 5:33). A good potential wife will be teachable and ready to “be obedient” to their own husband (Titus 2:5). If a woman will not listen to a man who is her boyfriend before marriage, she will not listen to him as her husband after marriage. King Ahasuerus deposed Queen Vashti from being queen when she refused to obey him (Esther 1), and every man should break up with a rebellious woman they are dating who is not willing to be subject unto them––the “odious woman” (Proverbs 30:21, 23).
Proverbs 21:19 “It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.” (See also Proverbs 21:9; 25:24).
Proverbs 12:4 “A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: but she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.” (See also Proverbs 27:15).
A SERVANT: A Christian man should be dating to find a woman who will serve them and their future children. The church of Jesus Christ is entrusted with the work of not only edifying itself (Ephesians 4:11-16), but also serving him as his body (1 Corinthians 12; Romans 12). Jesus’ bride is his servant. Marriage should be a blessing which allows one to serve the Lord without the distraction of sexual temptation (I Corinthians 7:2), not an excuse to stop serving God (1 Corinthians 7:24, 29; see also Luke 14:20).
God made Eve as a help meet for Adam (Genesis 3:18-23), meaning that she was created to perform the role of being an appropriate servant to him. A righteous man should seek a woman who is happy to forsake her occupational ambitions and to be keeper at home and a handmaiden for them like Abigail was for David (1 Samuel 25:40-41; see also 1 Timothy 5:9-10), is prepared to be fruitful and to love her children like the blessed man’s wife (Psalm 128; see also 1 Timothy 5:14; Titus 2:3-5), and who looks well to the going of her own house like the virtuous woman (Proverbs 31:10-31). A man should look for a woman that is intelligent and hardworking (see Proverbs 9:1-6), not foolish (Proverbs 9:13-16) and lazy (see Proverbs 31:27).
A LOVER: A Christian man should be dating to find a woman who will love them. Jesus desires that we love him more than anyone else (Matthew 10:37; Luke 14:26), and spoke much of loving him (e.g., see John 14), as it is the greatest commandment (Matthew 23:27-28). Thus, the woman whom a man should seek should be a woman who will love them (Titus 2:4).
Women Should Date a Man Who Can Lead, Provide, and Love
A LEADER: A Christian woman should be dating to find a man who will shepherd them, and not draw them away from the Lord. Jesus Christ shepherds his bride, the church, by giving to them many spiritual gifts, offices (Ephesians 4:8-13), and his own personal example (1 Peter 2:21; 1 Corinthians 11:1).
The man should be able to lead his wife in the law of the Lord by his example and knowledge (1 Peter 3:7). The godly example a good husband includes being a pattern of good works (Titus 2:7-8), and an example of the believers (1 Timothy 4:12): a man who is faithful to things like church, and is also a committed soul-winner. The godly knowledge a good husband will have should be sufficient to be able to teach his wife, answer her questions, and display a daily consistency in Bible reading.
A man should behave themselves like a man (1 Corinthians 16:13; 1 Samuel 4:9), and be the one to take the initiative in beginning a dating relationship with a woman. The man must be the one to find the woman, not the woman the man (Proverbs 18:22; 31:10; Ecclesiastes 7:27-28).
A PROVIDER: A Christian woman should be dating to find a man who will provide for them, and not force them to work a secular job. Jesus Christ provides for his bride, the church, by means of his self-sacrifice (Acts 20:28), Spirit (John 15:26; 16:7; see the book of Acts), and word (Ephesians 5:26-27). The woman’s role is to prepare the food and clothing of her household, not to provide it: “I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house …” (1 Timothy 5:14-15; see also Titus 2:3-5).
A godly man will provide for his wife financially (Exodus 21:10). God commands men to work (1 Thessalonians 3:10-13), and those men who do not provide for their own are worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8). A godly man will also provide for his wife physically (see Genesis 2:24; 1 Corinthians 7:3-5). A godly man will furthermore provide for his wife emotionally and spiritually.
A LOVER: A Christian woman should be dating to find a man who will love them. Jesus has the highest love for his church, even to the point of giving himself for it (Ephesians 5:25). God commands that men should have that same self-sacrificial love for their wives (Ephesians 5:28-29; see also Colossians 3:19).
III. Date Someone Who You Personally DESIRE TO MARRY
Marriage should be voluntary, not forcible. When Abraham sent his servant to get his son Isaac a wife from his kindred, they asked Rebekah, “Wilt thou go with this man?” (Genesis 24:58). Because you will belong to your spouse (Song of Solomon 6:3; 7:10), it is important that the person who you get married to is your choice.
Furthermore, you should marry someone you desire to marry. God does not have a cosmic plan for who he desires that each person get married to (see Judges 21). The Bible says that a woman is at liberty to marry “whom she will” (1 Corinthians 7:39). After consulting with God about the legal question of the daughters of Zelophehad, Moses said “This is the thing which the LORD doth command concerning the daughters of Zelophehad, saying, Let them marry to whom they think best…” (Numbers 36:6).
How Should A Christian Date?
- Be Pure: Do Not Engage in Petting or Fornication
Petting is defined as sexually stimulating caressing and touching (called “sporting” in Genesis 26:7-10). A Christian should model purity in their life, and should never “pet” someone to whom they are not yet married. Beware of the strange woman (Proverbs 2:16-19; 5; 6:24-35; 7:5-27) who is a “deep ditch” (Proverbs 23:27-28) and “whose heart is snares and nets, and her hands as bands” (Ecclesiastes 7:26-28).
- Intimate Kissing––For married couples: (Song of Solomon 1:2); not for unmarried couples: (Proverbs 7:13).
- Intimate Hugging––For married couples: (Song of Solomon 8:3; 2:6); not for unmarried couples: (Proverbs 5:20).
- Intimate Touching––For married couples: (Song of Solomon 7:7-8; 1:13); not for unmarried couples.
The Sin of Pre-marital Petting
- Purity––Pre-marital petting is impure (1 Timothy 5:1-2; 1 Timothy 4:12).
- Selflessness––Pre-marital petting is selfish (Luke 6:31; Philippians 2:21).
- Honesty––Pre-marital petting is dishonest (Romans 13:13; 2 Corinthians 13:7).
- Wisdom––Pre-marital petting is foolish, and leads to fornication (Romans 13:14; Proverbs 6:27-28).
- Be Safe: Do Not Put Yourself in Compromised Situations
Christians are the children of light (1 Thessalonians 5:5; Ephesians 5:8), and should walk in the light (1 John 1:7). Because God sees everything (Proverbs 15:3; 2 Chronicles 16:9; Hebrews 4:13), everything we do with someone we are not married to should be done in public. Therefore, when dating, Christians ought to avoid putting themselves into compromised situations, like being alone with one’s partner in private (See Genesis 39:7-20)—always spend time with them in public places.
- Be Godly: Do Not Build a Relationship Around Worldliness
A Christian should be a peculiar person (Titus 2:14; 1 Peter 2:9), who is not conformed to the world in anything that they do (Romans 12:1-2). Thus, the activities that they do to fellowship with their significant other should not be “of the world” (John 17:15-16) or motivated by a “love for the world” (1 John 2:15-17): e.g., watching worldly things (movies, shows) together, or going to sinful places together (drunken parties, cinemas). Rather, godly Christians should court each other doing non-sinful activities (e.g., talking or eating) and even the things of God together: e.g., soul-winning, or Bible reading.
- Be Considerate: Respect the Rights of a Father Over His Daughter
The father has withholding power over his daughter (I Corinthians 7:36-38), meaning that he is justified in not allowing his daughter to date someone. The father also possesses veto power over his daughter (Numbers 30:3-5), and can therefore deny the marriage vows between his daughter and any man. Whatever dowry a man demands for his daughter should be paid if one wants to marry her, and this dowry ought to be paid before marriage and any physical relationship between the two persons (see good example of Jacob: Genesis 29:20-21; see bad example of Shechem: Genesis 34:1-12).
When Should a Christian Date?
A Christian should only date when they are prepared to marry. Courtship is the way to find a spouse, not the way to please one’s carnal desires (see Romans 15:1-2; 1 Corinthians 10:33). Men and women in the Bible courted others only when they were intending to marry (e.g., Isaac and Rebekah: Genesis 24; Ruth and Boaz: Ruth 2-4), so the persons dating each other should be physically and mentally mature (1 Corinthians 7:36), fiscally prepared (Exodus 21:10; see also the dowry: Exodus 22:17; Deuteronomy 22:13-21), and spiritually desirous of the marriage covenant (1 Corinthians 7:1-2; 9).
In Biblical law, a man was only able to go forth to war when he reached the age of 20 (Numbers 1:3). Those younger than 20 God considered to be in some state of innocence or immaturity (Numbers 14:29). It therefore is best to wait until at least 20 years of age to date. It is also a good idea to get married at a young age (e.g., in one’s 20s), and not to prolong matrimony for later in life. The Bible often talks positively about the “wife of thy youth” (Proverbs 5:18; Isaiah 54:6; Malachi 2:14-15).
Pre-Marital Biblical Considerations of the Potential Significant Other for Men
- Is this a woman that will submit to me (Ephesians 5:22-24; Colossians 3:18)?
- Is this a woman that respects me (Ephesians 5:33; 1 Peter 3:6)?
- Is this a woman that I want to live to please and to provide for (1 Corinthians 7:33; 1 Timothy 5:8)?
- Is this a woman that I am willing to sacrifice myself for (Ephesians 5:25; Hosea 12:12; cf. Genesis 29:15-21)?
- Is this a woman that I want to be the mother of my children (Malachi 2:15)?
- Is this a woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with (see Matthew 19:6; 5:32; 1 Corinthians 7:10; Malachi 2:16; Ecclesiastes 9:9)?
Pre-Marital Biblical Considerations of the Potential Significant Other for Women
- Is this a man that I want to submit to (Ephesians 5:22-24; Colossians 3:18)?
- Is this a man that I want to live to please and serve (1 Corinthians 7:34)?
- Is this a man that I can reverence (Ephesians 5:33; 1 Peter 3:6)?
- Is this a man I can ask all my questions (1 Corinthians 14:35)?
- Is this a man that I want to be the father of my children?
- Is this a man that I want to spend the rest of my life with?
Even as God brought Eve to Adam (Genesis 2:22), and “a prudent wife is from the Lord” (Proverbs 19:14), so also God providentially brings his sons and daughters together with those that are right for them, and joins them together (Genesis 2:24). Marriage is until death (Romans 7:1-3; 1 Corinthians 7:39), and is the decision in life which we should be the most patient about. A person should wait on the Lord, who will bring the right man/woman into their life at the right time: “wait, I say, on the LORD” (Psalm 27:14).
Proverbs 18:22 “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD.”